Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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