Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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