There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
