I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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