Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
