well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
