Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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