someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
