I think I died a long time ago.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
