You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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