Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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