god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
