Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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