Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
