Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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