when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
