You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
