He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We need to get me chipped asap
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
