I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
