I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
