he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
