i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
