I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
