It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
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My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
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FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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