i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
