i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
ttyl tear gas
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
