woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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