mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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