All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
