why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
