just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
