The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
