the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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