look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
