he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
