Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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