If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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