where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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