How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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