I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
