Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
