I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
