First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
