I wanna bring you to show and tell
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
