Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
did i walk over a car last night?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
