We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We have started to decorate penises.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
