I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
