She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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