I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
