i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
