Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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