A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
