I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
