We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
