No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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